Janine for Queen

So, apparently Janine is running for Homecoming Queen, and since I'm pretty much awesome at everything, they asked me to help come up with some posters. On the other hand, I'm also a stupid asshole who doesn't really take anything seriously, and since Jacqui only gave me "Janine in a crown" as a requirement for one of the posters, I was pretty much working with free reign on this one. And so, I present to you the Janine for Queen Campaign, 2006. Feel free to plaster these posters all over campus. Together, we can get Janine elected Queen. Or kicked out of school for being insensitive. Win-win really.

I Will (insert crazy act) if This Group Reaches (insert number) Members!

Hi Everyone,

I'm a huge attention hungry fag, who needs people to join my group so I can feel e-popular and good about myself!!!

Maybe when I was younger my parents never loved me. Maybe I was touched in my no-no place by a figure of authority. Maybe I’m just a big, whining emo. Whatever it is, I don’t love myself, and I need you to join my group so that I can. Go Me!!!

I am willing to commit to doing the following acts for every member milestone I reach:

10 members: Start spelling like a Brit. Colour anyone? Pip pip and whatnot?

50 members: Build a monument to Phil Collins and Genesis with built-in speakers. Play ‘Invisible Touch’ on non-stop loop.

100 members: Explode my house.

250 members: Have a threesome with a midget and a mime.

500 members: Murder a hobo.

1,000 members: Rock and Roll all night. Party for a fair portion of the day.

2,000 members: Donate my life-savings to the Tampa Bay Devilrays.

5,000 members: Upon my death, haunt the descendants of Nick Lachey.

10,000 members: Orbit the moon.

50,000 members: Legally change my name to Hammerthrust McUgekock.

100,000 members: Learn to fly.

200,000 members: Touch the sky.

300,000 members: Develop complex ’28 Days Later’-type device to replace all my blood with mercury. Attempt to gain super powers.

500,000 members: Perform the entire score of the popular Broadway show ‘Cats’ in a bathrobe.

1,000,000 members: Have my cake and eat it too.

2,000,000 members: Invade Canada.

5,000,000 members: Bring about the second coming of Christ.

10,000,000 members: Kill the second coming of Christ.

Okay, awesome guys. Now, I know you probably know all of the people who make groups like these are only in it for the attention, especially the ones who make groups about hating groups like this, but you know I’m totally different. So, join my group and we can take care of this Jesus guy once and for all!!!!111

PS – Chuck Norris LOLOLOL

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Product of the Future

Are you a sexually frustrated woman who wants to spend more time with her children? A gay man with a love for building? Michael Jackson?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, please allow me to introduce you to the Fuck-O-Matic.

That's right, someone has created a vibrator made out of Legos. And this isn't your mother's vibrator either; not only can you incorporate an array of thrusters ranging from the standard to the luxury units like Big Boy or the Space Age, but should the device lose its juice it comes with its own crank. That is some real block-related passion-potential right there people.

For any of you skeptics out there who think this just can't be, check out this video of the O-Matic doing what it do best. That's some serious rhythm there, especially since the attachment in the video seems to be ridiculously pointy, and possibly fatal.

Look I don't know why somebody felt the need to build a Lego vibrator. It's not like we exactly live in a chaste world where an array of deviousness doesn't already exist. What I do know however, is that somebody did do it, and anyone who can be made aware of this device and not feel the immediate need to tell everyone they know, simply isn't alive.

NFL Predictions 2006

No true wannabe-pretend sports-journalist can let such a momentous occasion as the dawn of the NFL season go by un-prognosticated. The beauty of it is that months from now nobody will remember my awful picks, but I can always point to my correct ones and pretend I'm a genius. So here goes:

AFC EAST
New England 11-5
Miami 11-5
Buffalo 5-11
New York 5-11

AFC WEST
San Diego 10-6
Denver 9-7
Kansas City 8-8
Oakland 5-11

AFC NORTH
Pittsburgh 12-4
Cincy 9-7
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 4-12

AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis 14-2
Jacksonville 8-8
Houston 5-11
Tennessee 3-13

NFC EAST
Philly 10-6
Dallas 9-7
New York 8-8
Washington 6-10

NFC WEST
Saint Louis 10-6
Seattle 10-6
Arizona 9-7
San Fran 2-14

NFC NORTH
Chicago 12-4
Minnesota 10-6
Detroit 7-9
Green Bay 4-12

NFC SOUTH
Carolina 11-5
Tampa Bay 9-7
Atlanta 7-9
New Orleans 5-11

ROUND 1
(3) New England 17 - (6) Denver 24
(4) San Diego 21 - (5) Miami 17
(3) Philly 30 - (6) Minnesota 20
(4) Saint Louis 27 - (5) Seattle 24

ROUND 2
(1) Indianapolis 10 - (6) Denver 27
(2) Pittsburgh 31 - (4) San Diego 13
(1) Chicago 2 - (4) Saint Louis 0
(2) Carolina 20 - (3) Philly 23

CONFERENCE FINALS
(2) Pittsburgh 34 - (6) Denver 17
(1) Chicago 9- (3) Philly 13

SUPER BOWL
Pittsburgh 27 - Philly 21

For those of you surprised to see I picked the Steelers, you fail. For those of you who want to complain this is supposed to be a post on a comedy blog yet was entirely devoid of any, here's a picture of Kurt Warner calling Matt Leinart a fag.

An Open Letter to Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Stop. We get it. We appreciate it. Now just stop it.

We understand what's going on with you Facebook. It's your big bro MySpace. You want to be better. You want to be bigger. Maybe your parents never loved you as much. Maybe when he was getting Hot Wheels with those sweet connecting tracks for Christmas, you were getting, I don't know, Tinker Toys. The point you’re missing is, we already liked you Facebook, because honestly, fuck MySpace. We aren't 13 year old children with black-fingernails and an aversion to sunshine. We're college kids with a drinking problem and the occasional need to browse your site for attractive members of the opposite sex.

And that's why we're here to talk to you today. Because we're your friends Facebook. We clicked the Approve button on you. But now, you're beginning to scare us. We don't even recognize your face anymore, or the way you act. Look we didn't say anything when you extended your network beyond college to high school. 'A free spirit's gotta fly sometimes,' we thought, and just let you go. We considered talking to you after you started demanding status updates every time we shifted in our seats, but again, we held off. But this, oh, fuck this. You've gone too far.

We don't need to know that that girl we went to high school with, the one who was too busy to say a word to us then, but friended us to feel more e-popular, has changed their status to "drunkzilla!!!" We couldn't care less that the person we friended while drunk off our ass freshman year has updated their photo to a totally original picture of him holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. What's that? Michael just picked his ass? Thank you Facebook, my day is better now that I have been told that.

Look, we aren't doing this to make you feel bad Facebook. It's because we love you. Who doesn't feel great when they receive 50 birthday wall posts, half of them from people they don't even remember? Who doesn't get just a little excited to log in and see "Phinneas Q. Assfucker has posted on your wall..."? So please, Facebook, we beg of you: Stop it. Right the fuck now.

Sincerely,
Robert P. Ingram, Esq.

Okay So I've Decided to Keep a Pseudo-Blog Again

I'm using blogger now because, well aparently ipadder went under in the past few months while I was busy not giving a shit. Kind of sad to see some of that old blog go though, chief-among-the-damage being my Day After Tomorrow review (WOLVES!!!) and the Introduction to the Travers 5 Cult. Oh well, say-la-vis. I can't promise I won't get bored of this in, I don't know - 10 minutes, and never post again, but as it stands I should probably be doing some form of writing on a kind of daily basis since I am doing that whole journalism thing, and since I don't have the energy or commitment for a full article every day, here we go.

Now that that phenomenally long run-on sentence is out of the way, I just want to say that I've seen the most ridiculous thing ever today in an ad for the movie Flyboys. It's not that this ad pitches the movie as based on a true story, or the fact that the commercial also shows a character running across the top of an exploding zeppelin, while it's flying. It's the fact they do the two simultaneously that blows my mind. It's like they just said, fuck it, we aren't even going to try to pretend what we're claiming is even remotely honest. I kind of like that.

In other news Steve Irwin (aka the Crocodile Hunter) died yesterday and it's pretty sad. Turns out he was stabbed in the heart by a stingray. Maybe that isn't the grand death you saw coming for Steve Irwin, but you got to look at it in perspective; if I died after being stabbed in the heart by a stingray you guys would all think it's pretty badass. Say what you want about the guy, but his show was damn entertaining, and you have to give some level of respect to a man who spent his entire adult life provoking dangerous animals for the sake of raising awareness and making late-night channel surfers laugh. Laugh at him for his ugly hair or his stupid outfit, or even for dangling his own young in front of hungry crocs, but I think JayPinkerton put it best at his site: "It's probably an unwritten rule of male machismo that once you've got 'Put crocodile in headlock' on your résumé, you're pretty much allowed to act and dress however the fuck you like." RIP Steve, I can only hope you're up there jabbing irritable angels with sticks as I type this.

Coming Soon to my real site: I've actually been doing a decent amount of writing and stopped being fat like... the previous 4ish months, and I've got two articles on the way in the next week or so, and if I feel motivated part of a new story I've been working on.