A Bobby Biography - Deluca, Matthew R.

Matt needed a biography to put on his website. I'm an awesome friend, so I obliged.

Born the son of a Norwegian lugist and a Bulgarian midwife, Matt Deluca moved to America at the age of five, where he was forced to provide for his family through apple thievery. One day, while frolicking nimbly through an orchid, Matt was apprehended by the estate’s owner Reginald P. Thurgood. Threatened with persecution, the ever-crafty Deluca set forth with a soft shoe routine that would have made Gene Kelly envious. Thurgood was enthralled and took on young Matthew as his apprentice.

Matt would soon come to learn that there was more to Thurgood than met the eye when he accidentally stumbled upon the secret passageway located behind Thurgood’s “Happy Days” mural, and came upon an Illuminati rite so horrifying I won’t repeat it here. Keeping his cool, Matt took the display in stride, and soon had earned the trust of the Illuminati front office, and the rank of Illuminati Kitten Scout. His climb through the organization to the rank of Leopard Scout was unparalleled.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck poor Matthew when he lost his left leg in the Illumo-Masonic War of 2001. Disparate and suddenly lopsided, Matt retreated into the confines of Thurgood manor where he discovered a newfangled machine that he would come to call a “magic talk-to-others-and-also-write-stuff typewriter.” Using the computer, Matt set out to complete a goal that he had been striving after for several minutes, and began creation of his own website. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, straylightrise.com.