An Open Letter to Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Stop. We get it. We appreciate it. Now just stop it.

We understand what's going on with you Facebook. It's your big bro MySpace. You want to be better. You want to be bigger. Maybe your parents never loved you as much. Maybe when he was getting Hot Wheels with those sweet connecting tracks for Christmas, you were getting, I don't know, Tinker Toys. The point you’re missing is, we already liked you Facebook, because honestly, fuck MySpace. We aren't 13 year old children with black-fingernails and an aversion to sunshine. We're college kids with a drinking problem and the occasional need to browse your site for attractive members of the opposite sex.

And that's why we're here to talk to you today. Because we're your friends Facebook. We clicked the Approve button on you. But now, you're beginning to scare us. We don't even recognize your face anymore, or the way you act. Look we didn't say anything when you extended your network beyond college to high school. 'A free spirit's gotta fly sometimes,' we thought, and just let you go. We considered talking to you after you started demanding status updates every time we shifted in our seats, but again, we held off. But this, oh, fuck this. You've gone too far.

We don't need to know that that girl we went to high school with, the one who was too busy to say a word to us then, but friended us to feel more e-popular, has changed their status to "drunkzilla!!!" We couldn't care less that the person we friended while drunk off our ass freshman year has updated their photo to a totally original picture of him holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa. What's that? Michael just picked his ass? Thank you Facebook, my day is better now that I have been told that.

Look, we aren't doing this to make you feel bad Facebook. It's because we love you. Who doesn't feel great when they receive 50 birthday wall posts, half of them from people they don't even remember? Who doesn't get just a little excited to log in and see "Phinneas Q. Assfucker has posted on your wall..."? So please, Facebook, we beg of you: Stop it. Right the fuck now.

Sincerely,
Robert P. Ingram, Esq.